It’s been over a month since I left the company world, and rented my own coaching office. It means that I get to decide what I will do, where and when at any time of the week : stay home, go to work or go else where. This freedom I have been wishing for my whole life (since school days) is now mine. The space it gives me in my mind and life, is both a challenge and the greatest of gifts.
This made me realize the latent stress I had bared for the last 30 years. I have become a Life Coach / Design Coach, yes, but I never actually had the chance of complete freedom before. Having dreams of what « I would do if I was free » is not that complicated. But when you are actually given that space, you start facing you true self : with the care you need to give yourself to make up for the chains of the past, while starting to nurture your true nature, explore life your way whatever way that is and take responsibility for your own happiness.
It took me two years to get to this new life transition, but the real journey has just only started. I have enough silence in my mind to hear clearly my thoughts, and I run less around, so I can really see my habits and behaviors. I am not perfect. I used to say it, now I know it even better. I am now experiencing the difference between knowing that acceptance is key, and actually stepping up to it at each moment of mindfulness.
The challenge of freedom is fierce, but so amazing.
So I have started playing a game I call « the want game ». Each time I’m about to do something, or someone requests something of me, I ask myself : « Do I really want to do this, now, here, and this way ? ».
Do I want to eat this ? Do I want to read this ? Do I want to stay in this conversation ?
There are so many things we say yes to, without asking ourselves the question !
We have been taught to do what we are told to in so many spheres of our lives, and act like we want to do it (what a massive Stockholm syndrome right ?!), that we forgot how to trust our own will. What we want must be futile and unhealthy, right ? Wrong ! Once you start to clean your body through a balanced life style, you start wanting what is good for you. But even before you get to want only beneficial stuff, you can already trust what you do not want.
Each time you have a feeling that comes with frictions within, it means you are not doing what you are doing through love. You are surviving the event, you are enslaving yourself to the wishes of others, or to the automatic neuro-programs your brain has installed while you were a kid.
This makes it hard to schedule stuff. I thought I’d finish writing the book I’m working on two months ago, but as I want all the pages to be written through love… I guess I’ll be done, when I’ll be done with it. Of course, I have other jobs that feed me and pay my rent. I’m still using both sides of my brain. But the perfectionist old me would be so tortured by this process, and I do here it squeaking from time to time in the depths of my ego. :p
Not wanting to do something (by the way, when you say « I don’t mind doing it », also means you don’t want to do it), means :
- you may not be well prepared or feeling ready for the task
- you need something else right now, your body and mind may have an other priority
- you don’t see the point in doing this, or understand the task/activity
- you are enjoying peace (or something else), and this un-necessary action is pushing you out of that beneficial zone
In any of these cases, it means you are right not wanting what you don’t want ! The only way you can free yourself from all the things that fill up your days and that have nothing to do with what is in your heart, is to learn how to communicate honestly with yourself. It starts with you trusting yourself and authorizing your thoughts to flow uncensored, without fearing the judgement of others, or an incomprehensible sense of guilt. This is the only way to self-respect and inner strength. One can not start saying yes to life, before saying no to all the pollution.
So, I have been playing this game with myself and I do laugh a lot. Imagine a 31 yo woman, waking up in the morning and staying in bed until she is sure that she now, really feels like getting out of bed. Imagine me in the kitchen, looking at the vegetables and thinking « in what way can I cook you guys, so that I don’t just « eat health », but also enjoy myself in the process, and this way also be respectful (Namaste!;) of the effort you put into growing and the people who took care of you, and those who brought you to my market ? ». Yes ! I am happily crazy. 🙂 Imagine me, at five in the afternoon, stopping the work I was painfully doing on my computer, but not meditating cause I’m not there yet in my mind at that moment, but not feeling like reading or talking to anyone either. So I just stay there for a while, looking at my hands on my knees, like « what now ? ». I remember the book I read about making colorful Ki balls come out of your palms. So I start trying to do that. Same as a kid playing around with his/her superpowers.
Seriously, no need of any kinds of drugs in your life, when you start re-learning to be true to yourself. Everything slows down and deepens in sensations, because all the Speedy Gonzales moves you had before were automatic. They were your Artificial Intelligence ruling in your stead ! It was aiming at being efficient, but by who’s criteria ? Parents’, teachers’, society’s, people you’d want to seduce, people you admire… But where are those people, when you are the one actually getting through each steps of your life. What if one day, all of them, at the same exact moment would say that you are a great and accomplished person, and from that moment on, they would keep thinking that of you until you leave the planet. What then ? They have no more expectations of you. You are free ! And what if suddenly, you didn’t need to work for money anymore. You won the lottery, you inherited or sold a huge project. What then ?
Well, then… you better start learning how to talk to your heart, cause it’s full of great potential. And if you don’t, it’s gonna be really boring.
That’s when you start playing the « want game » !
What DO I want ?
That’s how you start getting to know yourself. Even if you don’t have my luxury of doing only what you want yet (as I said it took me two years to get here since I decided to change my life, so you may have to do organize and take some other steps first), you can already spot and be conscious of all that you do without joy, without truly wanting to be present in that moment Note them down. Once you’ve seen, you cannot unseen. So as time will pass by, either you’ll get fed up of getting fed up, doing those things, and start communicating with yourself, your environment and the people you work/live with to change the conditions of projects and relationships, or you’ll just keep living in a grey’ish life wondering how else everything could have been. If you’r not the designer of your happiness, no one else will do it for you. Not because they are selfish… Because they don’t know what you want. They are busy figuring themselves out.
I’ve been watching all the Netflix comedy specials one by one lately, because I feel like laughing instead of watching the news. Some old mental muscles judge me for not knowing what may be going on in the world. I now let others who enjoy keeping up with the news do that. I know that something made without love is not fruitful, so I don’t really have a decision to make. I’ll watch the news when I’ll feel like it.
Anyway, so I have watched A LOT of standups, and I’ve come to realize, that these people have a sacred mission : transmitting and nurturing the seeds of acceptance and perspective in our societies.
They spend their lives observing the details of :
- their own unperfect behaviors
- other people’s, genders’, nationalities’, ages’ habits
- awkward situations
They make everything ok through laughter. I don’t love all of them of course. But there are so many good ones (according to my tastes of course). They provoke us in all kinds of ways, and remind us of the phrase « why so serious ? ».
If you are willing to transform your life, to open it up by dropping all the « musts » that drive it like a fast train, you must be equipped with humor on the voyage. The game you’re about to start is one of no grey areas left behind.
Are you ready to look directly into all the aspects of your life and habits (not saying « personality », because you are evolving and not a finished product), admit them with love and laughter, and keep what you enjoy and replace what you only tolerate ?
Ok then. What do you feel like doing right now ?